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Haven't been here in a while and could be doing better

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

i know what you mean - look at this guy trampled to death at walmart! 6'5" and 270 lbs! who lines up at 4am to crowd into a store for christmas bargains? makes me feel all sane and "normal" - but, i did put up the tree and i did buy some of those evergreen infusers and those fake spray bottles of snow (florida). pete, no payback karmic or otherwise your brain cells do regenerate and you haven't lost any potential, only time. christmas can mean the birth of jesus or it can be a day where people actually wish each other well and feel what you could feel every day if......you were enlightened? if you can avoid advertising - do it and mute all the commercials, buy on-line, and keep it simple. that's my new motto: KISS - keep it simple stupid.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, A psychedelic butterfly or a scruffy black bear - the most important part is that we emerge in the spring! I just like meandering around and you like a transformation. That's what makes the world go 'round. I did read the poem you wrote and posted in your blog and it was very verbally artistic. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a compliment, though I did have to learn how to say "thank you" without discrediting first, what the person was complimenting. i.e. I like your blouse, "this old thing" or "I got it at the second hand store", now I hold back with conscious effort that discrediting and just say "thank you".

Pete, I've decided to NOT put up a Christmas tree, the symbol of my holiday season. I have decided to NOT spend money on Christmas gifts. I've decided WHICH events I will attend and are comfortable with attending. I have decided that I don't want all those decorations except a Nativity Scene. I've decided to donate money to a needy cause (research for people with mental illness) in lieu of buying Christmas gifts. I've decided I don't want to bake this year, that I don't want to cook this year. I've decided on a new way to do Christmas and much to my surprise.....everyone said "okay". I about fell over! Since my family dynamics have changed, it was a year to initiate change and I embraced it. It's okay to do things differently even if you are met with resistance. I've told my son everything he spends over a certain limit ($20.00) will be returned to the store and the money sent to the same cause as indicated above, if he feels the need to purchase a gift for me. He said okay. I don't know if I'll have extra money to donate or not. I don't want to sound bah humbug, but it kind of goes along with what Mom of 3 was saying.

I think you are selling yourself short Pete because you do have the courage and powers of application and concentration as you've proved it through your posts and your posted poetry. It doesn't matter what your motive is for posting your poetry, some people are gonna like it and some people ain't. That's okay! I don't think you have an over-inflated ego, that is not reflected in your posts. (opinion, but hey, it's all my opinion).

Keep writing Pete, even if it's posts, I love to read them. I love the feed back you give me as well as the encouragement.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Pete, As Mom of 3 mentioned, everyone deserves compliments and everyone enjoys when they receive compliments. This does not make you any less of a person. You mentioned you have thought about writing a book. Although this would be a huge task to undertake, it would also be an incredibly fulfilling experience. This time of year can be very difficult for some people to tolerate. Members, any suggestions for Pete? Sarah, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3045

Hi Pete,

Sorry I missed your blog poetry. Fishing for compliments? Is that a sin? I don't think so, everyone deserves to be complimented. At some point you need to acknowledge you do have a skill. When you share it with others and they appreciate it, you are entitled to bask in the glow of your accomplishments. It is a catalyst to do and share more and it is not shallow of you to enjoy the compliments. Even you admit you do not like being noticed or the center of attention. Are you depriving us of your writing abilites more because it gives you the attention in the first place than that you are shallow for actually enjoying it?

I'd enjoy reading your poetry as you have quite a way of describing things. (Where's that webzine?) I'd love to have that skill, I'd love to write something meaningful that touches others. Please don't discount yourself Pete or hide something that is truly a talent.

As for Christmas, I used to enjoy it. I am Christian and it is to be a celebration, but the meaning has been lost in the expectations. I am tired of the hype, decorations at Halloween, the push to spend, spend, spend - and I don't have it to

spend. Most family get-togethers are painful and full of all types of expectations. Where is the meaning in that? I want to celebrate what was given on the first Christmas and not be worried about what to get anyone or have anyone get me anything. I want to truly celebrate without the stress it has become, to find meaning in the little things not the over-the-top. (I mean commercials showing people receiving cars and diamonds for gifts is just hitting me the wrong way!) Maybe it's just my general mood, I used to be able to overlook some of this stuff.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3045

Thanx to all for your kind replies. Goofy, I love your image of the 'scruffy black bear'. That's much nearer the probable truth than my psychedelic butterfly. And thanks, Goofy and Mom of 3, for complimenting my written English. Unfortunately a pretty useless accomplishment when I lack the courage or powers of application and concentration to do anything with it. Mom of 3, I do write poetry and recently had one 'published' on a poetry webzine. I did post it in my blog here for a while but read it one time and was so disgusted with it that I deleted it. I also realised my motivation in posting it was not to share but to bolster my over-inflated ego and to fish for compliments. I was just hoping people would praise it, and some did, and I got all puffed-up with myself. That was dirty, and cheap. I'd like to write a novel but that's just too massive an undertaking to even consider.

My drugs comment - it's twenty five years since I did any recreational drugs, so I don't think I'm getting a physiological effect from them, more like a karmic payback for abusing my brain when it was young and flexible and full of potential.

I'm better than I was, probably, but get so annoyed with the way I look for a cloud to go with every silver lining.

And does anyone else find Christmas to be a nauseating nightmare, from the crass commercialism to the idealised family scenes assailing us from our screens, from the pressure to spend spend spend to the overeating and overdrinking.....

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3045

Hi Pete,

I always feel like I could be doing better. I know what you mean about that feeling you get - detached, lighter than air and the same time heavy as thunder. I never did drugs so it's not that, but I relate. I think maybe my soul gets tired of the battle that rages inside me and takes a nap!! Otherwise I don't know what it is but I do get that way. Sometimes I also have dizzy spells with it and it is scary when that happens.

BTW, Goofy is right, you have such a gift of expression in your writings. Any chance you dabble in poetry or writing novels? If not, maybe you should. You are beginning to build a fan base I think.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hey pete, understand all too well the "raging mass of resentment and undirected anger" are you really fine, fine, fine? i hope so, hope so, hope so! like the weird out, too. i have mine, too. saw some movie where the character was bipolar and someone told her she has a "freak flag" and she should just go ahead and wave it! maybe that's a good idea, not be ashamed! you are who you are and if you're not a bullying boss or child molester or rapist you're ok- OK? hang in there pete, you're a good man with alot of issues, boy can i relate, not the man part......

the issues part

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Hey Pete

Thanks for the update. Yes, the antidepressants can make you feel a bit dull. But sometimes dull is better than the pit. I am imagining those bright wings of yours, wish I could see my own.... To get through Winter? Celebrate the little things like a fluffy blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, a warm bath and sitting by a fire staring into the flames. As for Christmas, that too shall pass. Hang in there and let us know how the holidays go.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 64

Hi Pete as you told being too aware of everything is part of therapy. Then it cames natural and you don't feel anymore that you are overthinking. Just start to be a little more relaxed about your thoughts.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, I know this is off topic and I may have said it before. But I love the way you express yourself. You are so verbally artistic!!!!!!!!!

Help for getting through the winter months - sorry, I'm reading all the tips I can get through Mod's Corner. I hate the cold and the holidays. I just muddle through, stick to a budget for gifts and try not to remember Christmas in the past. No comparison!

I can relate to the therapy issue, My dad used to say "letting sleeping dogs lie", but it seems that the only way to get through this is to wake everyone of those dogs up! Some wake up on their own! Sometimes they wake up too many at a time. And like you said, they are always laying it wait - on the porch!

You'll emerge in the spring your wings shiny and new, colours so bright they will hurt the eyes and I plan to emerge the scruffy black bear, shaking off the winter and slowly meandering into the light looking for something to eat! Both sound good to me. Here's to faith in change

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Haven't been here in a while and could be doing better